Monday, September 10, 2012

i'm falling behind

In everything- housework, bills, groceries, this blog. All I want to do is curl up in bed or on the couch and watch tv or play on my ipad. I know what this means. No matter the weather, it is turning toward Fall. My brain can't be fooled. I don't have much planned for this month so it's easy to let things slide. But if I do that, if I don't fight with everything I have to just. stay. in. control. then I'll slide right into that black hole that's looming on my horizon. It happens every Fall. I fall. Into this pit of hopelessness* that just consumes me. It's a known fact in my family. When I turn down family dinner or going to get pedicures- "Oh, it's (September, October, November). Always a bad time for Tracey." I had my first surgery at 13 in October and my second at 17 in November so we just thought bad memories. Depression never crossed our minds until a few years ago when suddenly it was okay to say that word in public. Then I thought to myself ohhh, I have seasonal depression. Just make it through to Christmas and everything will be "normal" again. Except, while it happens every Autumn like clockwork, it happens other times, too. So, I guess we take away the seasonal. I have depression. I'm depressed. It starts to sound funny if you say it a few times. But it's anything but funny. It's a fight, one that never ends. But that's okay, because I'm never giving up.

* Just to totally obliterate the solemn-ness of this post: While typing, my fingers automatically typed "pit of dispair. Don't even think about trying to escape.." in a very raspy voice. ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment